Monday 28 February 2011

Thoughts: 24th January, 2011.

And so he calls me at some time after 5 in the morning after he apparently came back from wherever he was. I had given him  a call around 2 before I went off to sleep. Till before that his phone was switched off and so couldn’t get through to him. Thus when I did get through he sounded very busy with a lot of people around him. And as expected he said he was busy and asked me to go ahead and sleep, he will come back and give me a call. 

So when he finally called it was quite late, rather early morning as I have mentioned before. I was obviously groggy but then it is the only few moments in the day when I get to speak to him, when he is only with me and no one else around. I really hold on to these moments; I look forward to them. For after this, he will sleep for the whole day and wake up only in the afternoon. There is no point calling him before that because he hardly remembers anything that we say to each other at that time. So I let him be and wait for his call whenever he wakes. Sometimes I try to wake him but they are quite frustrating experiences and my insistence on making him wake up has only resulted in my getting hurt. Not that he does that intentionally I am sure, but then...


Neethu was already up because she had to get ready to go for that conference that she has been running around for, for the last two days. But then I also didn’t want her to see me talking to someone at this time of the morning which everybody knows is the wrong time to call me. But then this is the only time that I manage to talk to him, and of course, he is beyond all excuses for me.
His balance did not last long and I called and told him that I would call him after Neethu left. Then I realized she had gone to take a bath and figured that she would take sometime. I myself did not have much balance and called him nonetheless. All we managed to talk was for another eleven minutes out of which there was indeed hardly any concrete conversation of the types I had talked about. Of course, it was not the hour to have such conversations but then I am ready to have them at that hour because I hardly get the opportunity to spend much time with him during the rest of the day.
Unless I make a scene, unless I pull in a fight and express the fact that I am all upset he goes on in the same way. Like yesterday, he called me in the evening while on his way to wherever he was going. He acted all normal as if nothing in the world was wrong even until a few hours back. And I, when I saw that he was trying to be normal, did not have the heart to express how hurt I was for the incident in the morning (He had fallen asleep even after I told him that I fell down after my head started swimming around. All he did was inquire whether or not I am putting dettol in the area on my arm where i grazed myself against the wall).


I felt a sudden emptiness as I always feel whenever I get over a call with him. I wonder sometimes does he miss me as much as I do? If he does, what’s wrong in expressing that? Is it just that he is a guy that he cannot express the fact that he missed me so much. He just says he misses me but then he never seems as restless as me to talk to me, to spend time with me. It was only during those early days when there was just this tension and neither of us (or at least I) had not committed ourselves to each other. I used to see how he would wait on each word I say or typed. But then all that seems to be gone now. I miss those days, when it was still in its juvenile stage. Of course, being in this relationship has definitely given me a lot of things, despite the heartbreak that we are both being made to go through. But still I would give anything to get those days back.

Thursday 24 February 2011

Thoughts: 23rd January, 2011.

Today we fought again. In fact, this has been happening for quite sometime. It is but true that even though I had wanted to at least talk about us to my parents, if not his right now, about us. I thought that since we have come this far it is only but fair to talk to our parents about this. However, he did not want to take this any further and cause hurt to his parents. Also, I think that he is thinking that trying to get into something with me might not only bring into light the obvious differences (more obvious to people around us than we ourselves) of religion and age, but also the fact that I am from the city and he and his family are not. Also, there is the difference between our parents. But I always thought that such differences did not really make any difference to us as being ‘us’. But right now, it seems it does. May be not to me right now, but then if he is thinking that way I am bound to accept it, because I cannot possibly force him to get into something. 

I thought that he will take me seriously about what I told him just before he left. I thought he would give serious thoughts to what I am thinking and may be come up with something more positive. But no, that did not happen. Before leaving he had assured me that he will think about it and then will talk to me about it in length. But then this “talk” never happened. And when it did, quite suddenly out of the blue, I was indeed shattered. It was the night before my second proposal presentation. He knew that I had the presentation but then I just could not stop myself from crying. I cried the whole night and then in the morning and then again in the afternoon just before the presentation. My voice was groggy and my eyes were burning. I don’t know myself how I went through the whole thing without messing it all up. 

He has maintained his stand since then. Made it quite clear that he does not want, or rather cannot commit, to a future right now. But more than that he cannot afford to cause any more hurt to his parents than what he already has. I understand, but at the same time I could not but help think that what about the tremendous amount of hurt and pain I am going through. But then, such answers remain unanswered, or rather, they are something that cannot be responded to.

For some time, especially after the whole “seeing” and “talking” to Kaushik I had to come to terms with the reality and told him that it is time for us to part ways. It did not necessarily mean that we will not speak to each other anymore but then the nature of the conversation and the mode of our address to each other has to be changed, and this can happen only when we accept the change in our relationship status. As for the time being all I had asked of him was to spend some more time with me. In fact, this has been one thing that has continuously caused tension in our relationship. Tension not so much as to push us to break up but enough to cause a lot of mental disturbance, at least for me, and I am sure for him as well. I have told him, sent him numerous mails saying that this is all I want... I have only a few months left with him (in fact, it might be even less than that) and I want him to be only mine. He says that he is always there, but then I think in a relationship which is already long distance, such platonic ideas of “I am always there with you, in spirit and soul” does not really work out, not at least for me. And this is something that I have been telling Adil, or trying to tell him for quite sometime.
But today, I think he made it amply clear that he cannot do anything more than this as his hands are tied. Beyond this the ball is in my court for me to understand his situation and adjust myself to it - two accusations which have hurt me the most. I have made it clear to Adil about this but then nothing seems to have changed.

Right now, nothing that happens to me seems to make much of an impact on him. The only time we have a “good” conversation is when we are talking of the good times that we had when he came down to Hyderabad. What happened to all those other good conversations and discussions that we had? I go on saying that we hardly talk to each other these days. But then he seems to accept it but then does nothing about it. He is happy with the snatches of conversation that we have when he is going from one place to another. As for me, apart from going to Sneha’s room in the other hostel there is absolutely nowhere I go. I am sitting here in my room, trying to do my work and missing him terribly.  Is it too much to ask for some more time spent virtually with me talking about mundane everyday things and spending some good time with one another? If a relationship tag is not making that happen then I think it was better off when we were no in a relationship.

Later in the night:
He finally called me and we talked for quite a long time. Ten minutes, that is, but then it is still quite sometime given that the only time these days when he speaks to me for a longer period of time is when he has to talk intimately. Which is also something that has been bothering me for sometime. We generally talked about how he forgot to get me the chocolate that he promised both the times he came to visit me. This was also sparked because he was buying chocolates for himself.
He was on his way to the senior called Sanchita Ain to formulate their GSCASH rules. So I am guessing he won’t be coming back to his room any time soon tonight.