So damnedly scary

It is the second time that I am walking out of his house by "shouting" at him. The last time (though I came to know about it much later) his mum had come running after me asking me to wait because he was coming to see me off. And today, his sister came to help us make truce. But I nodded my head and walked away. May be it IS true - that I am impatient, unkind, insensitive, rude and everything else that comes in that same list. I don't have the strength to fight the truth any more. The reality which he has been asking me to come to terms with... I think it is time to accept it. But with acceptance comes a moving on. Where will I find my thrust of the 'onward' movement? I feel scared when it hits me... And to be honest, it has been hitting me for quite sometime, may be from the very beginning. Which is scary. But what is more scary is the fact that each time it seems to be hitting me harder and closer home. 

It scares me when I realise that with each passing day I am coming a little closer to losing that belief that I have a place to go to if I walk away from all this now. After marriage that is an option that will be closed to me forever. It's just how I am. It scares me when I see how close I am to getting everything I might have wanted in the last one year and losing everything that I have always feared losing. I am scared of the uncertainty. But what I am most scared is to admit it to someone that I am scared. I have never done that. I have always braced myself against that one thing in the face of all odds. Most importantly, I have been scared worrying what might befall someone else, but never my own. Does it mean I run away from my fears? A lot of people would say something like that, but honestly, or at least consciously (for one does not know the matter of the unconscious), it is not so. Is that why I spend so much time just staring at me... into my own eyes for a long time? Is that my way of silently confronting the truth?

I have a ruinous tendency which I had noticed before but is becoming obvious only now -- that when something beautiful is happening, there is this strong (sometimes overpowering) urge to destroy it all. A perfectly made sand tower being suddenly kicked out of its beauty by its very maker. May be it had something to do with the sand itself. They say sand castles are for the momentary. As soon as the moment passes, as it is the nature of all moments, the voice inside convinces the head to listen to the heart, which is craving to destroy it all. I get the best of opportunities and yet I let it lie waste. Or as I just said, I ruin it with my own hands. 

Everything around me is just so damn scary.

Entry for 25.10.2011 ---- 05:44 am

Things are strained. There is  a lot of pressure for reasons not of or own, but rather because we are trying to oblige too much and too many. It is probably more due to me because I never spoke out and stood for myself. I feel I am such a loser and spineless at times. Is it because things have come easy to me in life? Or is it that I made them come easily by complying, obliging and giving in to everything that they said - what I must do and how must I be like.


Long time ago, Ma had said that I try to make everyone happy. It will only make me unhappy because it is impossible to make everyone around you happy. But even if I pick and choose my way, I am right now standing at one of the toughest crossroads life can throw at you.
I am to make a choice between them who have been everything to me my whole life and the person with whom I am ready to vow to spend the rest of my life. One defines my past, while the other promises of a future and I am stuck in the present.
But the present hurts so much! It tears me into innumerable pieces. I am being pulled on all sides by different forces, none of whom are trying to understand the predicament I am in. 


As I lie in bed - on my stomach - it is early morning. My eyes burn due to lack of sleep. My head keeps saying that it is not happy with me. That is the irony of my life right now - no one is happy with me - at least not the ones I care so much about.


I rest my head on the crook of my arm - the cold air from the fan playing havoc with my recently washed hair. I am taken back to another day - when I am sitting with him in a tram through one of the busiest routes of the city. A similar gust of wind come and paste the loose strands of hair across my face - and he tells me how he imagined this very scene and described it in his class while teaching Bazin.
One is immediately made to realise how little of that affection remains. The strain is killing off all that (magic?). One craves for that call of endearment - haven't heard it for quite some while. And then he says it as I tearfully make my plea for not calling it all off. And then there is this sudden feeling of peace that one is awashed with. 

Entry for 24.09.2011 ---- 20:30

I don't like the way he avoids meeting my parents. They are important (and should be so) as I am what I am because of them - good and bad. I am sad and hurt.

So what you thought to be willingly obliging your parents and maintaining peace and also in a certain way keeping them happy as well, you realise it was nothing of the sort. Rather it was more like becoming a victim of excessive possessiveness felt by a set of parents towards their only child, and worse so, towards their only child who is a girl.
And it all comes to the surface when that only child, whom they thought they would mould and protect from any kind of "external"influences falls in love. They are disturbed by this sudden change in her loyalty - change and loyalty may not be the right words to use but then that is what that's been rocking their lives.

Entry for 18.09.2011 --- 20:39

They don't like his house - the location to be exact, he is not impressive - well, I didn't want somebody so impressive that I can't even have a proper intelligent conversation with him. He is not tall enough -  I wasn't looking for someone who would be impressionable on the day of the marriage, but someone who will be more worthwhile to me for the rest of my life.

Scribbles: Reaching out becomes an exercise in futility...

This is one of the many things I have been scribbling down... I thought I might as well save it for posterity on the web. Not going to show it to anyone but would let people stumble upon it if they are fated to.

Entry for some date at 8:00 pm:

There are things in my mind, swirling inside my head like a whirligig. As Safa said, these thoughts of today might be fodder for tomorrow's hearty laughter - may be which is all the more why I am writing this down. After all, who doesn't like going back in time and looking at things from a larger point of view. 

But no matter what, the laughter must happen!

And so I think I have finally grown up - an idea or thought that D hates. 

Now let me update you readers, after my abysmal mutual separation from my ex I have indeed managed to move on, having been given to harbour a ray of hope for the future in an individual I never thought I will ever indeed come across. I am happy and I intend to make him as much happy. 

Ma thinks I have grown up and the fact that I have found a boy friend for myself (which I will find out the harder way that for her, it wasn't a boy friend that I found but a suitable person I am willing to get married to) is enough for her to start building castles.  Built in air or not, the construction work of that castle itself is wearing me off and I am worried whether I will actually be able to survive to enjoy the fruits of that labour. I haven't been able to quite say this but Safa. Far as she might be , she is right now my biggest mental strength and support - there is understanding without being judged and there is some very well though advice and opinions.

D is stressed out with his own classes, JRF not getting officially declared, work politics - things which affect me too at the end of the day. He wants to share and listen too - but then at the end of the day he too feels grateful that I have Safa to pour my heart out to. His levels of tolerance are hitting rock bottom - and he is trying to run away from the banalities, the flak of domesticity - while I am forced into it more than I want to be. We fear it will change the dynamics of our relationship and right now our only fight is to defend our relationship from that.

8:45

Who wants to be bound by domesticity or burdened by banalities. But as I have told D, they are a truth of life that is impossible to block out.. Reaching out then becomes an exercise in futility...